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Unicorns Archive

October 02, 2009

Friday Combo Platter: It Takes a Willage Edition

Friday_combo_platter It's time once again for the Friday Combo Platter, the weekly feature in which we highlight our favorite LOL-or-WTF-worthy comments and our favorite email thread from the past seven days.

This week's best email thread was actually born out of what was originally our comment of the week. But the ensuing snark was too funny and another comment came along to take its place. So, let's get to it, shall we?


September 07, 2009

Steve Mazan Laughs At Death On David Letterman

Steve_mazan OK. You wake up in the middle of the night in terrible pain. What's wrong? Well. You've got a rare form of intestinal cancer that spread to your liver.

What do you do?

Your doctors tell you the tumors are slow growing and you could have 10-15 years. Worst case scenario. 5 years.

What do you do?

I can tell you what I'd do. I'd get a bunch of root beer and licorice and feel sorry for myself. I'd manipulate my loved ones into pampering me by inspiring guilt via my excessive self-pity.

And then hopefully, with any luck, I'd remember the soul-inspiring story of Steve Mazan, get off my ass, and stake my claim in magic.


August 27, 2009

Loch Ness Monster Found on Google Earth

Loch_ness_2_lg Even modern-day cryptids cannot escape the all-seeing eye of those blasted satellites. They're like the new paparazzi, snapping images of a pissed-off Bigfoot who's all, I'M JUST GETTING A GODDAMN LATTE. LEAVE ME ALONE.

Unbelievable, unconfutable evidence after the jump!


August 26, 2009

"Designer" Snuggies. Crapping. You. Negative.

Designer_snuggie I don't know exactly how long this gift from heaven has existed, but I didn't hear about it until last night. When the commercial first came on, I thought for sure that I had accidentally ingested LSD. Again.


July 28, 2009

A Brief Tutorial on Crabcore

Crabdance A couple of weeks ago, my husband and I got into some argument about something or other. And as many of our arguments tend to go, it quickly devolved from a spirited debate into, "You're stupid/No, YOU'RE stupid/Your mom!/No, YOUR mom!" And as a method of shutting me down, my husband threatened to litter my Facebook wall with crabcore videos. Deathblow.

What is crabcore, you ask? Allow me to make your reality suck a bit more enlighten you.


July 23, 2009

The Truth of Lindsay Lohan's Labor Pains

Rich of FourFour watched Labor Pains (L.Lo's triumphant excruciatingly awful return to the big screen ABC Family Channel) earlier this week and he noticed something. A few of the lines were seemingly ripped from the tabloid headlines that is Lindsay's life. This piece of crap is full of subtext, people. Meta-commentary of the Life of Lohan and the current state of her career. He compiled the following video as evidence, and lo(han), it is perfect.

Rich's full post on the "film" is here.

Related Mamapop posts: I Know Who Killed Me: Watch It Because It Sucks!, SHE'S pregnant, Srsly?

July 22, 2009

Ice Skater Brian Boitano to Host Cooking Show, Thus Making the Lord's Creation Complete

Boitano Many years ago, some hopeful young lads from the town of South Park asked themselves, "What would Brian Boitano do?" Based on his experiences in the 1988 Winter Olympics, fighting grizzly bears with his fire breath, fighting the evil robot kings of the future, and building the Great Pyramids of Egypt and defeating Kublai Khan in the process, Brian Boitano rose to prominence as a wise sage and prophet, just like Jesus and those other dudes.
Now he turns his powers to the insurmountable challenge of....PAELLA! AUUGGHHHH!!!!!


July 20, 2009

Jeff Goldblum's Death Revitalizes Us All

Jeff_goldblumJeff Goldblum remains alive nearly a month after his death. I know it's old news. But I missed him for a minute. I feel compelled to check on him.

Jeff Goldblum check! Still alive.

Last month, all in one day, we lost Farrah Fawcett, Michael Jackson, and Jeff Goldblum. Twitter was a wildfire. But what a refreshing reprieve it was to learn that Jeff Goldblum wasn't really dead. It felt like a treat, didn't it? And didn't it give you some hope, just a little, that maybe Farrah and Michael were still alive too?

They aren't. But Jeff Goldblum is! And his own death provided alive Jeff Goldblum with some precious insight.


July 09, 2009

Is Britney Heading Toward that 19th Nervous Breakdown?

Britney-spears-hair You people want celebrity gossip? How is this? Friends of Britney Spears are saying that she is hearing voices again and ex K-Fed says “Britney’s speaking gibberish baby talk.”

My favorite quote from Bitten and Bound is:

Another insider said that Spears is also obsessed with unicorns at the moment and truly believes that they are real and live in a zoo in New Zealand.



June 24, 2009

Ugliest Tattoos: In Case the State of the World Has You Feeling Schadenfreude-Deficient

Ut-sixpack Let's face it: things right now are...not great. The situation in Iran gets more and more intense every day. The economy is still utter poo. Psychos are out in full force and heavily armed. Personally, I often find myself feeling pretty crappy about being a member of the human race. And sometimes, when I'm that kind of mood, I just really need somebody to look down on. I'm not saying it's good or healthy, but sometimes I just need help getting out of bed with the knowledge that I'm not the biggest idiot around.

Enter Ugliest Tattoos.


June 18, 2009

Neil Patrick Harris is Seeking a Surrogate; MamaPop Writers Possibly Have Wombs Available, Please Inquire Within


Adorablegendary! Neil Patrick Harris and boyfriend David Burtka are planning to have a baby via a surrogate mother. A "source" has told Star Magazine that the couple has signed up with surrogacy service Growing Generations and are in the process of selecting their surrogate. Odds this story is true? Pretty good, since Star also broke the news of Sarah Jessica Parker's surrogacy...ALSO through Growing Generations.

In slightly related news, the surrogacy service Growing Generations has a big freaking blabbermouth mole. Dudes. Come on. Plug that shit up. You know, after I'm done reporting on this one last story.



June 10, 2009

MySpacebook Now Becoming a Reality

Mamapop_blingee First, I want to draw your attention to the MamaPop Blingee to the left that I took waaaay too long to create. Considering how relatively shoddy the writing for this post is going to be because I put all of my creative efforts into creating that monstrosity, it would really mean a lot to me if you just drank that in in all of its animated .gif glory. If you don't check it out now, don't worry. I'm going to post it again at the end of this post just for good measure.

Anyway, the Blingee was inspired by the news that Facebook is going to pull a very MySpace-like move and allow users to create distinctive user names as of June 13.


June 08, 2009

Hammer Pants Flash Mob FTW

Hammer_pants The early 90s were a weird time in the U.S. We were emerging from the ickiness of the 80s and the 90s spread in front of us, full of possibility and the promise of a new millennium. The optimism of the that time was a breeding ground for trends like Hypercolor (why have a shirt that's just one color when it can be multiple colors depending on who's fondling your boobs?), wearing clothes backwards (Reagan's gone! I'm totally Krossed out!), and, of course, Hammer pants (it's the 90s! Let's get billowy!).

Hammer pants were brought to us by super-positive rapper MC Hammer, whose career became a cautionary tale of quick fortunes when, just six years after the mind-boggling international success of his album Please Hammer Don't Hurt 'Em, he filed bankruptcy due to being $13 million in debt.


June 01, 2009

My Teen Witch Problem

Teen-Witch I had hoped to keep this post under my pointy hat until Halloween, when it would be more appropriate, but I feel the need to share this particular facet of my insanity with the internet as soon as possible.


May 29, 2009

Pixar's Up - A Review In Which We Discuss Everything but the Plot

Carl_fredricksen_pixar-disney-up Up is the latest offering from the good people at Disney/Pixar.  I'll tell you right now, if you're here for some snark and some hate and some throwing rocks at the kid on the pedestal, it ain't gonna happen.  It's too good.  And I like throwing rocks, especially at kids on pedestals, but mostly just kids.

I'm also not going to provide any spoilers because, and this is new, they SPOIL shit.  Who wants to be that guy?  Oh, and Darth Vader is Luke's dad.  Deal with it.


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