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Unicorns Archive

May 25, 2009

Things that Make You Go, "Whoa!"

A428_antartica It's a holiday here in the U.S., which means that there are many grills being fired up and many beers being consumed. Besides the obvious memorializing that takes place today for all of soldiers who gave their health and/or lives in war, it's not a day for heavy thinking. Er, well, at least not for me. So, I present to you some really cool pictures.


May 20, 2009

You Can Find Me in the Picnic...

50_cent_bette_midler ...bottle fulla punch...and maybe some prosciutto-wrapped melon. This picture just made my day.


May 11, 2009

Charm School 3 and My Super Rad Idea

Charm_school_3 I will admit upfront to being rather ignorant to the Rock of Love/Real Chance of Love/Charm School phenomena. I have precious few brain cells at this point in life and I need to preserve them for things like eating and tying my shoes. Plus, my interest in reality TV pretty much stopped around the London edition of The Real World, so these weird spin-offs of spin-offs of spin-offs of shows, featuring the dregs of reality stars, just don't grab me. Well, I'll watch a few episodes here and there, but I can't really get into them.

Anyway, I was just watching the official preview of Charm School 3 and had a sweet idea, inspired by host Ricki Lake.


Sitcom Mom Fantasies

Carol_brady Ah, the day after Mother's Day.

It follows that I should write down some of my hottest fantasies about sitcom Moms.

It's always the same. I'm visiting their sons. I'm there for cookies and milk and wholesome fun. But they have other plans. They always have other plans. They want to teach me things. Take me places. They want to show me the room where all the secrets are kept.

These sitcom moms provide maps to navigate the geography of the dark.


May 05, 2009

You're Gonna Love My Nuts

That's all. And you're welcome.

May 04, 2009

Bob Dylan's Mediocre New Release Has No Bearing On How Cool He Is

Bob_dylan Bob Dylan released something like his 10,000,000th studio album, Together Through Life, last week and, as of Sunday, it was still #1 on iTunes. That makes perfect sense because Bob Dylan is the coolest person in the world. I didn't even include him on Jason's List because I assumed that it went without saying that he gets a lifetime pass. He can sell Pepsi all he wants. If Jason's next question is: Who is the coolest person currently living on planet earth, BOB DYLAN! That's my answer. Tell me someone cooler. LA LA LA LA LA LA CAN'T HEAR YOU! Bob Dylan. That's who I figured you'd say.

So in honor of the new release, I listen to the whole album and review as I go. I will try to review it fairly but it's tough to be fair when you're talking about your Dad.

OK, Bob Dylan isn't really my Dad, but that would be cool as hell if Bob Dylan was my Dad.


April 29, 2009

Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick Expecting Twins

Sarah_jessica_parker_and_matthew_broderickWell, here's some light and happy news for your Wednesday: Sarah Jessica Parker and husband Matthew Broderick are expecting twins!


April 27, 2009

Eminem Kicks Assonance


I'm sorry about the title. I tried to resist. I failed.

Eminem's Relapse is ready to release on May 19th.

His first single, We Made You, has already made the rounds and you've already seen the video. Though the track, as expected, displayed his unparalleled verbal skills, I was kinda bummed out because who really cares about Slapsticky Goofy Eminem? I suppose it's probably necessary to take a breather and be silly here and there if you're the one who's Eminem. You probably need to make fun of celebrities and bust some silly rhymes from time to time so as to not slit your wrists. But as ee cummings once said about "everyone else", we are not Eminem. I don't care what Eminem needs to live with himself. That's what drug addictions are for. I want Crazy Eminem Who Doesn't Give A Fuck.

Because, yeah, Eminem scoped out whole new realms of assonance (he kicks assonance). He does shit with words that, if you care about language even a little bit, make you pause your iPod and say "Wait. Did he really just do that?". I don't think there's an argument against his fundamental brilliance. If I hear someone sassing Eminem, it's usually because they don't like rap or white rappers or crazy people.

But here's the thing. Sick rhymes need sick content. Marshall loses ground when he's being silly. I want Crazy Eminem Who Doesn't Give A Fuck. And then over the weekend I heard this. Go check it out and get ready to nod your head like you just got stoned because Dre brought some plants to the studio.

Then let's review 3 AM after the jump.


April 21, 2009

Kanye West Track Selected as Official Soundtrack of 2009 NBA Playoffs



April 13, 2009

Billy Bob Thornton, Joaquin Phoenix, Bob Dylan, And The Thwarted Interview Process

Billy_bob_thornton INTERVIEWER: So Black Hockey Jesus, MamaPop staffer, Catherine, recently wrote an article about Billy Bob Thornton that included an embedded video of a very difficult interview he recently gave - an interview in which he described Canadian audiences as "mashed potatoes without gravy". Since that interview, his band, The Boxmasters, have been heckled by Canadian audiences and even cancelled the last 2 dates of their Canadian tour. What are your thoughts?

BLACK HOCKEY JESUS: I have no idea what you're talking about.

INTERVIEWER: You didn't hear about Billy Bob Thornton's interview? Or the subsequent cancellation of the Canadian tour dates?

BHJ: Yes. Yes I did.

INTERVIEWER: Well. Um. What do you think about them?

BHJ: I'm utterly confused by the question. You use the word "them" as if the denotation was precise and clear and easily discernible, but you could be asking about my thoughts about any number of entities represented by the scope of that word. What do you want from me, man? What do I think of Canada? I don't know. I don't walk around and live in the midst of thoughts about Canada. Fuck Canada. They pour gravy all over french fries. It's cold. What bearing should Canada have on me? Does Canada even have any weapons of mass destruction? Do they need any? I haven't read about any terrorist organizations with major plots to bring Canada to its knees. Who cares about Canada? Are you trying to raise my blood pressure and make you punch me you in the neck?

INTERVIEWER: No. Please don't punch me in the neck. Your Canadian hostility. It surprises me. Don't you work with a handful of Canadians at MamaPop?

BHJ: Oh that's not hostility, dude. One time my brother was in a blackout and he pissed on my stereo. That made me hostile. But these Canadians. I just don't get the gravy on the fries and the Nickelback and the unicorns. Did you know unicorns are Canadian? Talk about stupid mythical creatures. It's just a horse with a spike in its head. Would you ask Tom Petty about Canada, you smug motherfucker?


April 09, 2009

Feels Like the First Time: Reliving Your Cultural Watershed Moments

Eternal_sunshine_of_the_spotless_mind The AV Club has another fantastic and thought-provoking, loosely list-based article that asks its writers and readers to list "Things we want to experience again for the first time."


April 01, 2009

MamaPop to Become Sovereign State; Sparklecorn to Rule

Sparklecorn Fueled by Jager Bombs and Percocet, the writers of MamaPop have declared this site a sovereign state. That means that if you're reading this, you are now under our jurisdiction and will be subjected to all of the disciplinary wedgies therein. All hail Sparklecorn.


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