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Zombification Archive

November 23, 2009

Weird Science: Galileo's Missing Fingers Found at Last

Severed Fingers I know it is a little late for Halloween but do you guys want to hear something really scary? They just rediscovered two of Galileo's fingers in Italy.

Actually, two of his fingers and a tooth.


November 20, 2009

Weekend Movie Preview Of Sorts

New-moon-new-moon-movie-4909367-510-755 So I'm trying really hard not to mention a certain movie that is opening this weekend, because any little part I can play to not get more horrible abstinent sparkly vampire movies made is pretty much the greatest contribution to mankind that anyone has ever given. And I'm totally counting the guy who invented roofies.


November 10, 2009

I'll Have a Large Popcorn, a Coke, Some Reese's Pieces, and Some Post-Apocalyptic Paranoia

2012_movie_poster1 I'm going to tell you a secret and then immediately after this post is published you'll probably never hear from me again because I'll be whisked away to a secret location and killed or be forced to undergo extensive plastic surgery and a total identity change. Kurt and I are the same person, much in the same way Janet and LaToya and Michael Jackson were the same person, just with different hats. Kurt and I go to see the same movies because we are one and the same. Then we have differing opinions on said movies just to mess with you.

I'm pretty sure this is true. Or maybe the trailers that I saw before The Men Who Stare at Goats got to me.


October 16, 2009

Modern Family Doesn't Feature Jon Cryer. Awesome.

Modern-family Hey remember that time a month ago when Jon Cryer won the Emmy for "Best Supporting Actor in a Comedy" or whatever for Two and a Half Men and I shot myself in the face with a flare gun? That was a bad day. In an effort to keep history from repeating itself I am imploring thee to watch Modern Family, which (as we've noted here before) is a funny and well-written comedy on ABC of all places, and the reason I used "thee" is so you would know I am not fucking around here, because like in the Bible or bad poetry, "thee" says "Yo. I'm super serious." 


October 14, 2009

Best of the Worst - A Personal Top 5 Horror Films for Your Halloween (Dis)Pleasure

When I was a boy, my parents would sometimes send me, usually late at night, down the hill behind our small farmhouse to close the chicken coop.  Fucking foxes would eat the chickens, other, less carnivorous animals would eat the eggs.  So, there's my 9-10 year old self, flashlight in hand and a silent scream in my throat.  Legs tense, ready to bolt at the fist sign of the Boogieman or Frankenstein Monster or the crazy, toothless guy that sold firewood around the area.  It was commonly know that he ate children.  That didn't stop us from pelting his old beat up truck with snowballs in the winter though.  Everyone knows that child-eaters fear a well packed snowball.  It's their Kryptonite. 


October 12, 2009

Welcome To My Nightmares, Lady Gaga.


No, really. Make yourself right at home, Lady. Seems that you fit right in, what with, you know, the horrible massacres of Hello Kitty dolls and all.


October 05, 2009

Zombieland Makes Money. And You Can Too...

539w I went out to see Zombieland over the weekend and like finding a severed toe in a box of Corn Flakes, it was a big surprise. I'm not saying it was a surprise like I went there expecting a zombie movie and what I saw was an artistic interpretation and allegory for the woes of our society personified as the unholy walking dead. What I mean was I was expecting "okay" and what I got was "really okay". I mean...it's a zombie movie...not the works of Fellini we're talking about here.

The movie was awesome. And I'd love to tell you more but you'll have to click on the link because this is what's called a "teaser" in the business. And I'm not sure what business that is, except I'm pretty positive it isn't the installation of heating, venting or air conditioning. Funny business? Like Porky's? (*shrug*)


September 08, 2009

Willie Nelson Rises From The Grave In An Undead Blood Feast Orgy

Zombie_Willie_Nelson Most of you know by now that Willie Nelson, the revered country singer whose heart was stolen and eaten by the Dark Mage of Glendhor, has recently clawed his way from the dank moldy Earth and returned to stalk the living and do another Farm Aid concert in 2009.

Journalists have been vying for an interview with the folksy revenant, but to no avail.  So I performed a ritual of Blackest Summoning in my neighbor's basement and landed an exclusive interview with the one and only zombie of biodiesel and twang.

Hey Willie, how's it going?

Pretty good, man. Hey, where am I?

You're in my neighbor's basement. Don't make too much noise, he'll hear us and get upset.

What the hell is all this stuff?

Just some symbols and tokens for the Ritual of Blackest Summoning.

Is that a goat?

It was a goat.

That's kind of unusual, man.


September 02, 2009

Some Thriller Awesomeness for Your Hump Day

Mexico_city_thriller A few weeks ago, I presented some Alexander Skarsgard goodies to help you get through the mid-week doldrums. I was thanked heartily by you fine readers.

Today, I'm hoping to do the same, though admittedly it's not so much in the eye candy arena as it is just plain awesome. And there's no shower scene involved.



August 18, 2009

Oh My God, What Have They Done To Shakira?

She_Wolf_Video_Shakira Okay, first things first. The song this video I'm about to share with you is for, "She Wolf"? UNBEARABLE. Listening to it makes me feel like a cartoonishy cliched Old Person, one who might tell those damn kids to turn off that racket, because that's not music that's NOISE, dangnabbit! And while you're at it, all of you, get off my lawn! (Somehow my version of Old Person here is tinged with a hint of Gold Rush-Era Prospector flavor, I don't know why either).

ANYHOO. The video. Right.

I've never been a fan of Shakira, but this? Lawd. Shield your children's eyes and hold onto your lunch.


August 04, 2009

Have Vampires Lost Their Bite?

Entertainment_weekly_vampires_cover The latest issue of Entertainment Weekly is dedicated to vampires. Basically, it looks like the gothic horror version of Tiger Beat, complete with a spread of the "20 Greatest Vampires of All Time." However, with the popularity of the sparkly vegetarian vampires of the Twilight series and the Tru Blood suckers of Bon Temps, is the blood and gore of the vampire genre getting a tad watered down? 


June 08, 2009

This Is Marketing Genius

Dead-snow-poster1 I love viral marketing because there is no other medium being used today with the philosophy of "Who Effing cares?!" as it's core value. The Producers of Dead Snow, the delicious Norwegian, Nazi Zombie film have decided that to bolster the sales of their upcoming DVD release in their homeland and also the US theatrical run, they would produce a viral marketing piece entitled "My Ass" which features a scantily clad Norwegian supermodel named Linni Meister dancing around and singing about how great her ass looks. 

Of course they did.


May 04, 2009

Bikinis and Zombies Go Together like...

OnechanbaraVortexCover I love to support independent films and sure other people might call me a hero, and I would totally understand why, but I'm not in this for the glory, I'm in it for the fortune, obviously... so here's the point...ready? The first full trailer for Oneechanbara Vortex has been released and it looks to have captured the subtle eroticism and hidden mystique of the first two Oneechanbara films with aplomb. The carefully interwoven narrative that accentuates the inherent beauty of female bonding and camaraderie coupled with the nuanced social commentary in which Japan analyzes how it's zombie-filled future will mesh with it's feudal past. It is a hard-cutting investigation into how dressing in a sailor suit is the best possible solution to any problem.

Or maybe it's a bunch of scantily clad Asian women chopping up zombies with samurai swords. And if you think that's gross and sexist, than you are probably a racist, and everyone knows that racism is way worse than alleged sexism that you can't even prove, and also I bet you hate foreign films because you don't like to read subtitles and maybe you should just go home and watch a Larry The Cable Guy Movie instead. What? I'm not being defensive. YOU'RE being defensive.


April 28, 2009

Factory Farming Partially to Blame for Swine Flu?

Swine_flu I am already so sick of hearing about swine flu. On the off-chance that this really is the pandemic that wipes us all out, I will gladly accept many I-told-you-sos. For now, I'm leaning toward believing that it's a "glamorous" story that the media can beat to death.

It is a serious issue, though, particularly for people living and working in Mexico, who have been the hardest hit by the illness. As of today, 152 deaths and 1,600 illnesses are believed to be swine flu.

Residents and workers near a Smithfield Foods plant in Perote, Mexico, think that the factory-farming giant may be at least partially to blame for the outbreak.


April 24, 2009

Another Non-Movie Non-Review

Army of frankensteinI'm a sucker for movie titles. I don't care how maybe-stupid a movie is if it has a kick-ass title. The ultimate movie title was recently announced and I don't care if Army of Frankenstein is actually a love story set in Victorian England and everyone has horrible British accents and underacts everything to emphasize the brewing passion below the surface and there is a scene on a lawn with croquet mallets and tea and maybe they call the cookies "biscuits" and there is someone named "Mr. Robbards" who has to keep his love for the young mistress of the house played by a CGI'd Dame Judy Dench under wraps because of how very "forbidden" it is, and really you just hope everyone will get to the screwing bits, but they never do because of how seething it all is. If you call that "Army of Frankenstein" I'll be up in that motherfucker.

Let me say it again "Army of Frankenstein". (*shiver*)

Something wet just happened.


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